You Better Work
If you love RuPaul like I love RuPaul, then you'll want to be watching RuPaul's Drag Race, a reality contest that is equal parts America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, and is all woman.
(From Ru's official gallery)
RuPaul is searching for the next international drag queen, and has selected nine drag artists from thousands to fight it out on the runway for a photospread in Paper magazine, a portrait by Greg Gorman for LA Eyeworks photo campaign, the leading role in Absolut Vodka's national Pride tour, and $20,000 in cash from Absolut and MAC cosmetics.
In the first episode, we meet the ladies. Shannel has a show in Vegas, and makes a very pretty girl. Nina Flowers is a fierce bitch from beyond Thunderdome, who says that she isn't a female impersonator, but an androgynous statement. Rebecca Glasscock is also a pretty thing, and convincingly female. Ongina is a bite-sized boy, in a tiny hat, who says that his name comes from his middle name "Ong" and the "--ina" that God didn't give him--I say him, because he is more a man in makeup than in drag. RuPaul agreed with me.
Victoria Porkchop Parker is a beat version of Delta Burke. She seems sweet, but I can't abide those lips even on a queen. Speaking of lips, Tammie Brown appears to be wearing some that belong to Bette Davis...and her eyes...and her litany of Baby Jane facial expressions. Tammie Brown frightens me like a clown. Akashia frightens me like a Kardashian. She is in love with her butt. Jade is rather eh, and in my notes I have written "her body is yuck." Bebe looks like Dionne Warwicke.
The girls squeal like teenagers in the first episode of an ANTM cycle when RuPaul appears, looking dashing in a suit. It's disgusting that he looks that good in a suit and that good in a gown. After admonishing the girls to be hotter than Tyra wearing a fat suit in July, he introduces the first challenge: A photo shoot with photographer Mike Ruiz, whose credits include shooting both Dolly Parton and Beyonce. Not like he's a stereotype or anything. Much.
Out they go to a lot with the General Lee's brand X brother, and two glorious studs in briefs in place of Jessica Simpson and her equally orange bikini. And then...oh my word...the studs hose down the ladies, while they make love to the car, the hose, the models and the camera. And only one of them howls about it, and only after the shoot is done. These girls need to go slap some sense into every cycle of ANTM.
Washed clean by Sister Ru, the next challenge comes: Drag on a Dime. The girls are given their own undies, wigs, and makeup from MAC, but they have to make their own outfits from castoffs from a thrift store and "crap" (So said Rebecca) from the Dollar Store. Shannell is amused. She has over $25,000 worth of costumes there. Ru's advice? "Don't f--- it up."
RuPaul tells the girls to be ready to strut, knowing they will be judged for their Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent. That's right. They will be judged on the ferocity of their C.U.N.T. With 1.5 hours to get into full drag (after a Project Runway like night of making their costumes, RuPaul playing Tim Gunn), Nina expresses some concern. It normally takes her 3 hours to get into drag.
I squealed like a drag queen meeting RuPaul when I realized that her sashay down the runway to introduce her regular judges led the camera to none other than Project Runway's own Santino Rice. Also sharing the panel with Ru weekly, Merle Ginsberg, the only XX babe in the house. I squealed like RuPaul meeting Jimmy Choo when I realized that Bob Mackie was sitting beside Merle. Who cared that Mike Ruis was there, too? Not me. Bob! Call me! I want you to design my life!
And my notes from the runway show:
Akashia: Ick. Eddie Murphy would love.
Bebe: Now as Dihann Carroll
Shannell: Oooh--fierce! Beautiful!
Tammie Brown: Blue Fairy meets Qualudes
Jade: Ungh, jungle love
Nina: OMG--she better win! Wow!
Ongina: *yawn*
Porkchop: Clowns. I hate clowns.
Rebecca: Tranny by Wet Seal
Tammie Brown, Shannell, Bebe, and Jade were safe, leaving the best and worst of the group to the judges. Ongina, Akashia, and Porkchop are the worst. Big time. Nina wins. Yay! In the words of Santino, "Ah, Mami!" Nina wins immunity in the next episode, and 3 days in the Paris Casino in Vegas, with roundtrip airfare from Southwest. The judges want to see that she can do soft and elegant as well as she can do fierce and punkrawk. She nods. I'm not worried. I know she can do it. (Akashia, who called her "Rough trade" earlier, for all her tats, is unsure.)
RuPaul thinks Akashia has a wall of anger, but says nothing of how her body is obviously male and her strut is so Shandi-fied that she may as well be working at WalGreens. Of Porkchop, Ginsberg frowns, "She's like a visual joke with no punchline." Amen, sister.
After lip-synching for their lives to RuPaul's hit Supermodel, thankfully, it is that beat clown who is told to Chante Away from the studio, allowing Akashia to Sashay Stay for another week.
Next week, Nina has immunity, so who is next on the chopping block? I hope Akashia, but if Jade doesn't step it up, she might be swallowed up by a giant yawn.
