Destiny's Tuck
Oh, girls. The second episode of RuPaul's Drag Race really upped the ante on bitchery. A girl like Akashia is so horrible--bitchy for the sake of it. No reason, just enjoys being nasty. No one likes her, so she's going to snap her little fingers and say it is because they are just jealous of her perfection. She is horrible. I want her to fall off the stage and break something. Like her attitude.
I can't help the feeling that Akashia is very insecure, and she is doing her level best to make you hate her, so that when you hate her, it will have been her choice, not yours. David Bowie sang it. Is it any wonder, I'll reject you first? Only, instead of Fame, Akashia is a Fameball. Maybe I'm projecting here, but I know all of my worst behavior comes out of fear. And I have had some bad, bad behavior in preemptive strikes against perceived, potential social discomfort. It doesn't excuse it, but I understand it, and I think that is Akashia's issue. Still want her wig to strangle her.
At the start of the episode we get the list of prizes again. A spread in Paper Magazine, which was RuPaul's first cover. A Greg Gorman photo shoot for an LA Eyeworks campaign. To be the spokesmodel for the Absolut Vodka Pride Tour. And $20,000 in cash prizes from Absolut and M.A.C.
RuPaul's Viva Glam ad is interrupted by alarm clocks, and the girls all rise and shave their faces, then rush off to hear about their first challenge. As girls are interviewed, the truth comes out. They all hate Akashia. Akashia talking heads, "Every competition needs a bitch and that bitch is me." Please. But RuPaul admonishes that this win is about stealing the spotlight, and wonders if these girls are Diana Ross, or if they are just Supremes. "Now is not the time to relax and untuck," she admonishes. Now is the time to vogue.
Each girl is given a camera, wheeled in on a cart by the oiled up and hunky pit crew, and are told to snap themselves reacting to RuPaul's direction. Your $10,000 Louis Vuitton purse is a fake! Cher is really retiring! Somebody cut the cheese!
Ongina and Akashia win, and find out that they are the captains for a Pop Rivals competition. They will pick their teams, then lip synch to songs from Destiny's Child. What? No one could get the rights to any Babs? No Madonna?
Ongina chooses a team made up of my personal favorites: Shannel, Nina, and Rebecca Glasscock. They call themselves Serving Fish. Akashia chooses Jade and Bebe, and gets poor, leftover Tammie Brown. Tammie Brown is so misunderstood. But then, so was Gloria Swanson.
Ongina's group seems to have some difficulty with Shannel trying to hijack the look (she was in charge of makeup and Nina hair, but had much to say about Nina's work), but it comes across as an earnest desire to win. She knows her stuff. Listen to the queen! She's from Vegas! And yes, Ru does get in a Showgirls reference. Rebecca makes their costumes, and Ongina choreographs their dance.
Over on Akashia's side of the room, tempers are flaring among the group called 3D, and the worst of bitchy behavior is happening. No one likes Tammie's drag, so she is getting the grand freeze. She keeps trying, but the other girls are just big, fat meanies. She interviews that she is not happy, and says several times that she is having a very bad day.
Finally, we find out why Destiny's Child is being pimped for the synch. The guest judge is Michelle Williams. Not the Heath Ledger one. The other one. The Beyonce one. She gives the girls advice on being in a girl group. "Respect one another," is her parting shot. Little does she know.
When the curtain rises on the final act it is Serving Fish out first. Oh holy night, these girls are gorgeous! Between Shannel's amazing makeup jobs and Nina's huge hairdos, these girls look more beautiful than the Miss Universe pageant. Rebecca is a knock out. Ongina is like a JPop icon. Shannel is a goddess, and Nina is stunning. They dance, they synch, and they look amazing. It's cruel, really. I want Shannel to come make me up. Shannel! Call me!
Then 3D appears. My notes say, "Bebe is melting. Her makeup looks like she smeared shite on herself. She is gross." And, "Akashia is a monster. Just a creature. A beast." And they can't dance. Jade tries to pull it together. Tammie Brown, well, between the nip slips, and the absolute inability to work into a pop character, she is just floundering. Her team puts her out to twist in the wind.
When RuPaul asks Serving Fish who they would serve up to be fileted if they lost, the girls are quick to take the burden for what they felt were their own shortcomings. No one is rude, ugly, or cruel. Ongina is willing to take the fall since she was the leader. Nina is willing to take the fall because she can't dance. Shannel doesn't want to answer, but finally gives up Nina for the same reason. Only Rebecca Glasscock gives up Shannel for the reason of competition--Shannel is too fierce a contender to be retained. But they all agree that Ongina did a great job.
The judges deliberate, and it comes down to this: Akashia is a beast. "A messy man," Not-Heath's-Michelle says. But Tammie just couldn't hold the character. Her spirit is downtrodden. Shannel, they say, is gorgeous. So gorgeous. But possibly too competitive? RuPaul proclaims that a good competitor is quieter about it. Sits back a little. Mmhmm, it's the quiet ones you have to watch. Right, Nina? (Nina, out of drag, is cut. The illusion she provides in going from man to woman is the most amazing of the transformations.)
Serving Fish is all safe, and Ongina wins immunity and a chocolate basket. Jade and Bebe are safe, and retire to the back.
Akashia argues with the judges about her horribleness. Santino tells her she is poison. Tammie is all, "Whatever, yotches, I tried." She may as well be waving a white flag. So the two of them are set to Lip Synch for Their Lives, but Tammie throws in the towel. Or as Santino puts it, "You just laid down on the track." While Akashia acts like a cartoon character being electrocuted, Tammie Brown just dances fetchingly. Aw, Tammie Brown!
Michelle Williamas is crying by the end of Akashia's performance of her song Break the Dawn, and I am convinced it is because she knows she has to can Tammie Brown, and she hates Akashia as much as I do. RuPaul hates her too. She says, "Well, the decision has been made for me." And she tells Tammie Brown to chante. Tammie can't get her eyebrows out of there fast enough.
Akashia is delighted to have made it through another week. I hope the next challenge has something to do with stringing her up like a pinata. The first person to knock the goodies out of her tuck wins. Do. Not. Want.
RuPaul lets the girls go wild after reminding them to love themselves. "Because if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else?" Amen, I say. And we're out.
Want to learn to tuck? Check out this video. Then you'll never have to ask. Because a lady won't tell you her age or where she hides her buddies.
